Thursday, August 16, 2018

This fool swears

What is the female version of 'Chutiya samajh rakha hain kya?' I wonder.
So when you say that you are now going to a new city
excited about getting to fool around with women left right and centre
while I am supposed to wait here for you
cupping my arms around a fucking diya that has been burning for months now
scorching my fingers from time to time
while I blow on them without letting it bujhafy
because it is the eternal symbol of hope that you will come back to me
like Paro does for Devdas in that pathetic novel
I want to pick up the phone and ask
'kya mere maathe pe chutiya likha hain?'
but that is guys talk
and I don't know what the female equivalent of this is
of course there is the whole pink candy bubblegum word 'fool'
but at this point I m not using sentences like 'do you take me for a fool?'
because for some reason
I want to look you in the eyes
and tell you that
neither do I have any tears left to cry
nor any feelings to spare,
so if you must go,
go quick
and spare me the sentimental crap
but I won't say this to you
for I am busy blowing out stupid Paro's flame for Devdas
because now Paro has a new love interest
and she better not waste her time

Tuesday, August 07, 2018

reunion

many years ago in a building under construction, just like this,
in its abandoned skeleton,
we lay in a car tracing letters on the foggy window glass
we fooled ourselves into thinking ours was a love story with a happy forever ending
with your mouth on mine we mumbled words of eternity
a mouthful of possessions, you are mine, I am yours,
silly words like that

some moons ago in a window in my phone screen, you popped up
with entreaties and a mouth full of regrets
bringing back those days and all the conversations we never had
decades of wondering where you were and how I am doing

here we are in each other's phones and it is like
we were never away
picking up conversations from then
like you had just stepped out to throw the trash

on the late evenings that we talk about dharma and the big bang theory and religion and poetry and wars and peace and comets and stars and animals and me and you and us
you in your bed and i in mine
believe me when i tell you
no one has fucked my mind like you do now
so feed me more
and talk until your tongue falls off
and my phone battery is dead
so talk until you are full of me
and i of you

come see me now
instead of telling me you
regretted my loss
come touch me now
instead of telling me you
never stopped wanting me
for here i am
all of me
all for you

Today I want to be a man

Today I am tired of being a woman
I am tired of being told to cover my breasts with a dupatta
I am tired of being told to sit cross legged, demurely
I am tired of being told to keep my mouth shut and open it only when asked to
I am tired of being told to wear clothes that are modest
I am tired of being told not to drink or swear or put on red lipstick

Today I am tired of being a woman
I am tired of being told not to go out late at night
I am tired of being told to write down the taxi number and driver details and send it to someone back home
I am tired of being told to fast for someone's longevity
I am tired of being given blessings to bear sons
I am tired of being told to learn things that women supposedly do cooking, cleaning, producing children
I am tired of the subtle suggestions at familiy planning
I am tired of being asked why I tied my tubes
I am tired of being asked why I am having a child
I am tired of being told to cover my hair
I am tired of being told to stay outside during my period
Today I am tired of being a woman
I am tired of being leered, ogled at when I am outside
I am tired of being catcalled, commented upon
I am tired of hands brushing against my hips, my butt
I am tired of being desired
I am tired of being called sexy
I am tired of bejng sent sexually suggestive texts
Today I am tired of being a woman
I am tired of the dick pics flooding my inbox
I am tired of the male friends sending out feelers
I am tired of being told to hide my shame, and safeguard my honor
Today I just want to be a man
But how can I, in a land where
even the Goddess
has to be safely guarded behind bars of iron,
How can I,
a mere woman,
hope to be free?

matches

It was one of those mundane parties where people pout and air kiss each other
where the politically correct jokes are now unfunny
and the same old cheese and wine appears for the fiftieth time
in a party like that, you asked me what my hobbies were
and I said I read
and you got excited and said OMG, I am a reader too.
Seriously, I asked, what do you read?
Oh, all the classics and Sherlock Holmes and Chetan Bhagat and Ashok Banker.
and there I was expecting to talk about Catherine of Aragon and Cromwell and the Medicis and Tipu and the Aghoris and the monks of Tibet and the seven sacred plants of Ayurveda and the billions of years of history of the earth and the throat singers of Mongolia and everything
there i was wanting you to fuck my mind
but all you did was dowse my enthusiasm with your watery vomit of boredom
another time I met another you
and you asked are you kinky?
and i said i am scandalous and risque and dirty
and then we decided to make love
but you undressed me to a chopin score in the background
and then turned off the lights
and made it into a nine course meal the proper way with napkins and bibs and cutlery all arranged in order
this is why I take a step back now
everytime someone says
they share the same hobbies
as mine
while I wonder whether it is wrong of me to expect someone to match my standards

love like this

I will love you like an ocean in rage
a typhoon in full force
a river in flood
I will love you like a night of rain
and thunder and lightning
I will love you like a tsunami in fury
I will love you until you can't breathe
without me
and you cant breathe
with me


mesaured love

how do you love with half your heart holding a pair of balancing scales in your hands?
maybe you have never been loved wholly
to be able to give all your love to another
so when you say my love is like a storm
that uproots you one day and places you down in a strange place the next
and that you are fed up of the turmoil it causes
and you don't want any more upheavals
I fail to understand if what you want is a love
that is boringly placid like the waters of an algae ridden lake?
where do people get these ideas from
about how love should be like or not
about how much love to give him and how much love to give her,
or not to give?
tell me who draws the lines here
what if I said love is knowing a train will come rushing out of the tunnel and hit you with full force
and you still want to stand in front of it and get hit,
I have and will,
what if I said love is like knowing there is a chasm that separates you from me
and the only way for me to reach you is to jump into it with both feet from the word go,
I have and will
how do people know when to stop doling out more than what is their measured quantity,
words measured precisely,
only so many 'i miss you's or
only so many 'i love you's
because if you let on more than that, the power will be in their hands, the ones you are supposed to love
since when did love become an ego tussle, where if you showed your vulnerable state of mind you would be deemed powerless
no wonder people go about seeking love all their lives, never finding it
all that you give comes back to you, so why are you afraid to give all of your love?
you see, if you have not been loved by someone who uprooted you today and twirled you around and took you on a whirlwind of emotions,
and then put you down safely in an entirely new place,
you haven't been loved at all
if you love someone,
love them like i love you,
like a river in rage coming down from the glaciers to destroy whole villages,
retreating and coming back the next year
I will wreak havoc in your mind,
and leave you rootless,
but I will love you forever

Friday, August 03, 2018

Clean Balance

beds are meant to be slept in
but ours are made, tip top
not a wrinkle, not a shallow spot,
there is nothing more disgusting than unmade beds, where people have slept,
hair and other things,
left behind for maids to clean out,
clean beds are just that, clean
like relationships of the owners who leave beds that way,
clean,
how nice to have a clean equation,
you stray, I stray
you leave, I leave
my room, your room
give take, take give
clean, clean everything
equality in all things, divided fifty-fifty
so when the outsiders come and admire our tip top bed,
we scurry out of the room,
because it is too clean for our messy unequated love