Thursday, February 08, 2007

Possessive Men - by Ian McNeice

I Gleamed This Article From The Net When I Was Wondering If There Is Such A Thing As An Emotionally Abusive Relationship.

By far the biggest problem in our dating world are jealous and possessive men. Whilst they are desperate to find a woman they can love and adore, once they have found her possessive men most often do not believe they can keep hold of her due to a lack of self-confidence, self-respect and self-belief. They don't truly believe they deserve the girl so they try and subjugate her to rely on them and increase the woman's sense of dependency. It is all too common these days as more and more men feel uneasy about who they truly are and lack self-esteem.
The first hurdle a woman faces is in not being able to spot a jealous and possessive man in advance. He is charming and good-looking, he has the world at his feet so it appears and you have absolutely no reason to think he isn't prince charming. And maybe he is Mr. nice-guy at this stage. But if you know then what you later discover things would be much easier.
I first spotted possessive-man-syndrome whilst working for a few years in a regular job in an English city. At the end of day I would walk home to my apartment and was always impressed as to how many boyfriends sat patiently in their cars waiting to pick up their girlfriends and wives from work. I dare say in retrospect a few were genuine but it took me some months of seeing the same faces before I cottoned on to the fact that these guys were not there for the best of reasons. The cat was let out of the bag by a woman friend who said that she could never go for a drink after work because her boyfriend didn't like it and always insisted he picked her up from work at 5pm on the dot. If she needed to go anywhere she had to let him know in advance.
This shocking revelation may be will known to many women readers but for a guy I hadn't realized at that time quite how large the problem was. The key issue it appears is a man's low self-esteem. Usually the possessive and jealous guy believes his lady will be stolen away from him. He doesn't trust her or her words of love and ignores the fact that she stays with him. He feels she is plotting to escape at any turn, looking for a way out and doesn't really love him at all. Why? Simply because he feels he doesn't deserve her and deep down believes she could do far better than him.
This causes the possessive man a dilemma. If she would really like to run away then how can I make her stay. Easy, what I will do is make her dependent on me, make her need me and want me and have no need to be anywhere but with me. Even if I go out every night with my male buddies. The man doesn't love himself so he doesn't understand why she loves him either. But he needs to feel she does, so he needs to have demonstrations as to how far she will go for him. He will promote the positive attitude of staying at home together and group social activities will be extinguished. At home you are where he can see you.
As a relationship develops the possessive man will find ways of ensuring you are there for him. He will create fictitious scenarios where he needs your help and assistance which affect your social routine. Rather than meeting friends you will be assisting him. Of course at first this is all part of romantic relationship building. After all you want to spend as much time as possible with the man you love. Bit by bit he will divorce you for your everyday friends and activities, even spending time illustrating how your friends are not really your true friends. He is isolating you for his own needs.
Once he has done that he will also then criticize you and make you feel bad about yourself to ensure that you too have low self esteem. If you don't feel good about yourself then how will anyone else ever want you. He will tell you how lucky you are to have him and he will always love you for who you are. And eventually he will build up that degree of dependence (and fear) so much that you will truly believe that what he says is true. Your own identity becomes a thing of the past and your friends will make many worried comments to you that you will ignore or make excuses for.
At this stage you are now where he wants you, isolated and dominated. He feels better about himself because you depend on him, but he will never trust you, because he will always believe that there is a conspiracy that you will escape. That you don't really love him after all. He needs constant demonstration and proof that you do. Your friends and his will not know any of this though they may suspect. He will still be the great social guy in groups. Bit it can get to the point where you dread going out socially in case you get a hard time when you get home. This my friends, is not what your life is all about. This isn't why we date and have relationships. Yes we all want to feel desired, wanted and loved in our lover's eyes. But not like this.
A little jealousy, ironically can go along way. Women (and men) like being loved and wanted and a secure arm round the waist drawing you in can be great fun. Small amounts of jealousy (very small in a playful way) can be attractive and sexy. But its knowing when things have gone too far that matters. Many women have admitted to me that a man who has not a single jealous bone in his body cannot really love her. A man needs to show he cares by drawing her in occasionally. Both parties feel good from this. But it has to be kept under control.
There are many reasons why men are becoming more possessive in today's society and we all have our own theories. It is possible that with the rise of women in the workplace and in determining their own independence financially and socially, that men feel increasingly threatened. Their traditional role as husband and father, the dominant voice in the household, is increasingly archaic and has little place in current society. Instead they are desperately attempting to reposition themselves in a relationship and find out what their new role really is. But old habits die hard and men still try and cling on to the ways in which they were brought up. It will take time for men to learn that they are not always the primary focus in a relationship and must give as much attention to the needs of their partner, as they give to him. And to be honest I do not expect miracles overnight.
Men who don't feel good about their own domestic roles, their lack of masculinity, their frustrations with their own poor career, their lack of financial success, their dominant parental influences and their general lack of well-being can all assist in the progression of possessive tendencies. To own someone is not to have them. To be loved is an open invitation, not something to be captured and kept imprisoned.
A happy, confident, self-assured man doesn't have issues about possession and jealousy. No although many aspects of a relationship may be shared, he also treasures his girlfriend's independence and her assured separate set of values, as she does in him. Relationships are about sharing but also about retaining freedom of self expression and personal identity. Realtionships are also about innate trust.
There was an interesting article recently in a national newspaper about how dominant career women with great success and financial wealth often still had very dominant partners at home. Let us not confuse manliness and masculinity with possessiveness. Jealousy and possessiveness is about stripping away confidence, esteem and dignity. It is about subjugating and decrying the needs of the injured party for the wishes of the stronger force. That has no place in our modern world.
I am stopping short of discussing violent partners because we move into the realm of specialist and professional problems and therefore specialist help. If you have a violent partner I do not believe you will change him/her by your own efforts, and the way forward is through professional counseling for them only. My own recommendation would be to get out of there away from these people with very serious emotional problems as fast as possible before they destroy you too. I have know a number of girls whose partners have been violent and never was there a happy outcome in the relationship. Some men sense a weakness, a submissiveness in a woman and will work away on it, subjugating them until they become defenseless. More than once I have heard how the psychological battering was far worse than fists. But in any case, there is massive support network to help you move on to a better life if you are able to make the necessary first steps.
Jealous and possessive men are sad and pathetic creatures who are all too common today. As a woman you do not need ever to put up with them and neither do they really deserve you. The huge irony involved is that had the guy been relaxed and self-assured he would probably have never lost you in the first place, but his low self-esteem meant that he forced to happen what he most dreaded. You leaving him. If you are reading this and have yet to leave, then you will need your friends and family to assist as you are dealing with a person with serious psychological issues. He will try and keep you and will use any psychological measure he can to make you need him and come back. He will work on the weak spots he has already created in you.
But do try and take heart. Many women have been in the same situation and moved on. Even if it is very hard. As women become increasingly confident in their own lives, so some men fall away into lesser self-esteem. There are lots of really nice guys out there to date and love and the one you have is not the one who will make you happy, whatever he says. It can take a long time to heal some of the trauma you have been put through, but the fact is, it is your life and your world and if you want to do whatever you like to make yourself happy, that is 100% your prerogative to do so. We don't need jealous and possessive men in this world and the sooner they sort themselves out without your help, the better.
Danger Signals:
• Dismay and suggestions as to how you should dress
• Overly concerned about where you are going when socializing
• Insistence on escorting you to mundane places
• Interference with your social plans
• Excessive phone calls to know your whereabouts
• Overly intense nature to anything
• Inability to communicate and discuss
• Putting you down and anything that makes you feel inferior
• Lack of outlook and poor self-esteem or lack of confidence
• Dominant overtones in domestic arrangements
• Aggressive temper and unreasonable attitude to minor details


Anonymous said...

HaH!! Lot of typing in this. Well, I did face the described situation once in my life. but was quick to get over it.


afei1122 said...

Hello! You have a very nice blog! I'm here to share valuable info with you visit my blog,about Mozilla Firefox web browser.

Arjun said...

This is non-sense. The author does not understand posessive men at all. I am definetly possesive about my gf but my thoughts dont match with this one.

In fact u will see that most of the possesive men have high esteem and ego. The author has to study a large group of people before making any general statements.

You might recollect, as a child you might like a toy so much that you may not share it with any one. You keep it with you all the time.
I child may be possesive about the toy but definetly does not have any intentions mentioned in this blog.

Anonymous said...

i'm stuck in one.
i can't bear to leave him everytime he say he wants out. I can't bear to tell him i want to leave him. because i really don't want to.
I have to make the toughest decision now. To leave. I wish i didn't have to. I wish he would like act like this.
I hope i'll have the strenght and courage to move on from this mess.
I hope he realised that its destroying him and whatever relationships he has in the future.

Desertrosepotpourri said...

Dear Friend,
I completely understand your predicament. Believe me just dump him. If he cant respect you, there is no point in being with him. Or if his behaviour is just an iota of your otherwise beautiful relationship, the only way to take revenge is to never let him have 100% of you. If he want you completely, he needs to learn.
You will get the courage to live without him beacuse you are a beautiful human being inisde out. And you deserve a better man.

Anonymous said...

Hi, thanks for your reply :)
I wanted to leave him, almost changed my mind when i was talking to him this morning. Fortunately, I talked to my dear old friend, and we even drafted a message to send him via handphone. I have not sent to him yet because it is 4 am over here and if i do, he will call me. I need to make plans to deal with the sort of guy he is.

What made me determined to leave him?
He asked me to withdraw all my money from my account which i have been saving into and another account which credits my monthly pay. He wants everything. His reasons? He say i can't manage my money well (I admit but certainly no spendthrift, i do save and pay my bills on time! ) Also, i went out with my aunties that day and he insisted that i could not go anywhere before telling him. He accused me of cheating!? Hello??!
To punish me, he wants all my money so that i can't go out even if i wanted to because i don't have any money with me. If i want to buy something or go out, its only with him.
I tried to reasoned out with him but he just flared up. I did not break up with him at that moment because i was too distraught to and i had no courage too.
He wants me to withdraw tomorrow so instead of doing just that. (I told him i would, i lied obviously), i'm breaking off.
Besides all this, he strangled and grab my hand really hard twice. Enough reason to leave him.
My friend also says that he is out for my money.
I feel cheated of everything.

At first, it was my bestfriend. Then my friends who mutually knew my ex. But its not their fault. I had to change my email, change my handphone nos and delete my friendster account and msn.
I did all these in thinking okay maybe he really needs reassurance because from what he had told me, his ex was a huge liar.
The worse kind of relationship i ever had in my entire life.
I hope no one will go through what i had to.
i never did love him, i would eventually love him as time goes by or when it was a normal relationship. I think it was more of him wanting me so badly that made me think that it was love.
It is not love.
I don't even trust him that what he says is the truth and i will never know.
I hope i will strong and move on, without any side effects into my next relationship or how i think about love.
I will be strong.
Friends are so important because sometimes you are too blinded and need them to wake you up.
Family members will always love you for who you are and accept you unconditionally.
Internet articles like this helps alot too! :)

Sorry for the long reply. Just had to vent my frustrations out.

Desertrosepotpourri said...

Hi There..

I m glad u sound much much stronger & more determined than yesterday. I echo ur thoughts, So dump him. Period. U would however have to be a lil wary. Gang up with ur friends, who will protect u in case u need it, n call him up,or text him if u so wish. But do it just once. Stop thinking of him from then on. I m sorry u wasted ur beautiful life for such an unfeeling man as him. But u must move on. And u will. There's so much more to this short life than him. Dont waste a single moment. I know u will think of ur times spent with him, I suggest whenever u r overtaken by guilty thoughts, think of the times he hurt u. That would leave no space for guilty thoughts. Good Luck, N do let me know when u are HAPPY !

Anonymous said...

Hi, just to update you. I finally left him. It doesn't feel good to leave this relationship but yet i know it feels good for myself. Its only for my own good. I will miss him as ever, the happy memories will haunt me so i'll lock it away until i feel better to think of them again. I also feel relieved in a weird way. I'll be celebrating my single life.

I hope god can give me strength and courage to move on and stop 'loving' and 'missing' him.

Thanks for listening girl :)

Anonymous said...

Dear Ian

I admired your view over possessive men, are you a psychology graduate? how come these observations comes on your mind? I was just curious.

As for me, I completely comprehend on the instances you have stated. Here is my current status:

I'm currently the gf of a very rich men and well known figure in our city. I met him for he is the EVP/one of the owners of the company I work with. Although, I began as a very diligent, industrious smartheaded employee, all his siblings and Mom likes me for contributing success to the company. Nevertheless, I though it would be one of his casual approach to me...that leads to this almost 2 years of secret relationship (well I guess everyone has a nose on it already --but they are just mum, as they are afraid of this boss) At first, I thought he would just make me of his flings but I was merely wrong. He began to protect me by giving me his bodyguard to eye on all my activities, outside the office. I go out, shop, dine with friend, have movies with the bodyguards around..even spending holidays with my family, they are all around family considers this a negative sign that he don't trust me, but im still on a denial stage. I thought this was just a sign of his love for first, he already laid his cards...that He could not promise marriage YET...but he said, it might happen or they are all very rich men...even his siblings could not commit...I was hurt at first, but I guess its part of accepting of who he is, and thankful for his being frank. I had a very comfortable life when we began seing other, by the way he is most often out of the country "Europe" for he has to attend his kids personally and complete his Masters Degree. He is a very homebody guy who prefers at home, reading, thinking and analyzing. I've known his activities very well when we are together and his at home with me. He never bought me a house, but we rented a big one everytime he's in the country. We travel always...financially, he helps me. I got some problems in the office, where a lot of envious girls, keeps bugging me with their stories, affects me emotionally and could hardly concentrate on my job, which I oftentimes complain to him....I have tried to resign to the company numerous, but HE DON'T WANT...he always stop me...we quarrel...he asked me to help me set up his own company, which I did. I help him to the best that I can, but it does stresses me a lot. He's not in the country, I miss his company, but he could not commit..I'm the only girl he's dating at, he's very attentive to my needs, well financially, emotionally he regularly calls...check....says he loves me...I could feel his sincerely at times...but he has a deep problem. I could sense it...did you know that he is somewhat OC? Obsessrive Compulsive...he often times wash his hands, thinks a lot...repeat all the things he wanted...especially when his pressures at work? Do you think so?....No one could give me good advices, some says....Im at risk, I may never know until when this relationship lasts? Or I must keep him, as he shows how much he cares me...according to those people close to him...He change a lot...he was known playboy, but he stops...since we dated...his very own bodyguard whom he has been for 20 years, is with me...guarding me everywhere I go...he sent me money, give me things, buy me a car for my travel, a driver...but it does not make me a happy, if it would last shortly...I'm looking for a more serious commitment....he could not give. I wanted out, I'm already 30 yrs old, and I want to have a baby...he mentioned before, after 2 or 3 years will have baby...should I wait? Am I being paranoid or having some anxiety?