Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Chanel No. 5

       “Get Out you Dirty Scum..!You will spoil my Carpet. Get Inside the Bathroom this Minute.What manners has your mother taught? Do you know how expensive that carpet is?Bah..what do you know. Balti Kid.Has your father ever spent two pice on you?What will you know? Now get out of my sight” – I ran.
       That was My Grandma, on my Mother’s Side. Grandma with rollers in her hair and Gold Rimmed Glasses and her Pink & Pistachio Colored Printed Frock.Mrs. Isabella Victoria Rodriguez. Wife of Captain Rodriguez who died in 1939 and left behind a terrible Thing called Grandma with her snobbish attitude.
       Grandma Isa as we children called her was a prim and ‘propah’ lady. A Mademoiselle to Perfection. Her Hair was always coiffured and piled on top of her head. Diamonds glittered on her hands, Ears and Neck. There she stands on the Eve of her wedding day in 1928 dressed in a white gown. Her arms hooked to Grandpa Stewart Albert Rodriguez's, her eyes looking out haughtily at the camera and do we spy a lil tilt to the head?
       I am her fourth grand-child of a brood of nine and I get special treatment – I am the darkest of all. Grandma’s obsession with fairness began when Grandpa came to see her sister for marriage but chose Grandma. The two sisters have not spoken since, that is another story of course. But Grandma puffed up with pride when Grandpa spoke of his wife’s peaches and cream complexion to his audience. The Only things Grandma was scared of was that her children would take after Grandpa’s color which could not come in the ‘ fair ‘ category. As Luck would have it, All of her four children came out with white and pink feet. Except. Except     My mother that is.
       Mother was the most beautiful; Unfortunately for Grandma she was too brown. Mummy always got the last of cakes or pastries or chocolates. The last of the choicest chicken wings or skewered lambs or softest idlis. The least liked of Grandma’s jewellery or saris or fancy footwear.
       When my Mom married my father against the wishes of her family, Grandma outcasted her from the family. For five years after her marriage, Mother was not welcome. However realizing later that my Father was the Most successful Business man of all her Son-In-Laws and Most Loving, she grunted her appreciation and took back my Mother.
       When I arrived bawling into the doctor’s arms, Grandma took one look at me and said – ‘She cannot be my grandchild’. Flashback-The same way she saw Mother and said’ She cannot be my child’.
       Like Mother Like Daughter. Grandma never took me on her rounds in the Village, never took me in her lap, never let me enter her room. I was the Balti kid. The one who bathed with tin buckets and not bathtubs like Grandma. Hence the screaming you witnessed when I came out of the bathroom all dripping wet and looking for my ducky to play with in the Bathtub.
       She had this huge bath with this huge tub-all ceramic and mosaic.It had beautiful ivory taps and faucets and an ivory sink. Grandma’s toiletries were elaborate and always took an long time. She still lived in the 19th century and pretended she was one of those ancient English ladies. She took bath in Rose Water and had 2 maids-in-waiting –one to dry her white hair and one to coiffure it. She applied sandalwood powder from an Antique box with a non-existent powder puff and applied Rose paste to her hands and feet.
       Grandma was always stingy with her things. None of the kids – even the fairest- was allowed to enter her room when she was not there. We were not supposed to touch her powders or creams or perfumes..Oh The last of all- She had so many perfume bottles with her. We never knew if they were full or empty since she locked them up in her bureau. Her Most favorite was that small bottle of something called Chanel No. 5. I didn’t even know what the bottle looked like – she guarded it so well. I just smelt it once on my mother-she got it as a gift on her wedding and it was so hugely expensive that she wore it only a little at a time. It smelt like Heaven and It took me to wondrous clouds of scents and fragrances and gardens filled with wild exotic flowers all smelling like Chanel No. 5..!!Oh what joy a whiff of that perfume was to my 8 yrs old nose..!
       I tried unsuccessfully so many times to creep into Grandma’s room and wear a little of that wonderful scent. But even if I did manage to get into the room, the Bureau was to high for me to try to pry open the drawer. Always I came back disappointed.I wanted that perfume so badly that I decided to ask Grandma if she could let me have it. We gathered for dinner and the elders were discussing about a neighbour who had died and keft everything to her son without giving anything to her daughter, when I asked at the top of my Voice..”Grandma, When you die will you pls write off that Chanel perfume to me in your will…?” The Gathering became silent all of a sudden.And Grandma peered into my face, pointed at me with her wiry thin bony fingers and said “ Never”..With that none spoke and everyone hurried through their dinners and rose one by one. I sat at the table long after and cried hot tears of sadness.Nothing could explain to my foolish mind about the unkindness of the world.
       A year later Grandma Died. I do not remember us Grandchildren missing her ,since her death just meant we could roam in the house however we wanted, climb on any bureaus or tables or armchairs, sit with our elbows on the table, or play in the bathtub. For Me her death meant freedom to walk on the carpet in my dirty wet feet, sleep on her bed barefooted, have pillow fights and most of all look into her treasured chests of ancient clothes and accessories that smelt of naphthalene balls.
       A week after her death, when the House was quiet after the last of the relatives had gone, I went to her room.The bed was unslept in, the curtains drawn over the windows, the floor a little musty..And Behold! There stood the great chest of Drawers with its enchanting treasuries of powders and creams and perfumes!
       I ran to it, felt the wood with my hands and smelt its polished odour.I quickly fetched a stool and opened the First Drawer and looked in. Nothing in there except some ivory combs and hair clasps! The second Drawer had a lot of ribbons and Clasps as well. Frantically I looked around and then saw that the Mirror revolved to display a small Drawer behind. And in it were the perfume bottles!About 12 of them! I Took them all out..To my dismay they were all either Empty or the caps were missing!! An unpleasant smell arose from the drawer, a smell of things kept for a longtime, unused and therefore rotten. I searched and there at the back lay a Box and inside it - the Chanel No 5 bottle!!! My Heart skipped a beat .. Oh Yes it was full…!!
       My Joy knew no bounds and I ran to the bed prancing, hopping, skipping. My Heart thudded as the object I desired most and pined for so long was in my hands. I slowly removed the cap and the smell rose in my Nostrils. After that I remember nothing. I blacked out. When I came to, Daisy, the Oldest servant was fanning me. The Room smelt horribly unpleasant and I crinkled my Nose at it. I looked around and felt a piece of paper in my hand. It was the label on the box. A sheet of textured paper that said ‘Manufactured-1931-Paris’

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Possessive Men - by Ian McNeice

I Gleamed This Article From The Net When I Was Wondering If There Is Such A Thing As An Emotionally Abusive Relationship.

By far the biggest problem in our dating world are jealous and possessive men. Whilst they are desperate to find a woman they can love and adore, once they have found her possessive men most often do not believe they can keep hold of her due to a lack of self-confidence, self-respect and self-belief. They don't truly believe they deserve the girl so they try and subjugate her to rely on them and increase the woman's sense of dependency. It is all too common these days as more and more men feel uneasy about who they truly are and lack self-esteem.
The first hurdle a woman faces is in not being able to spot a jealous and possessive man in advance. He is charming and good-looking, he has the world at his feet so it appears and you have absolutely no reason to think he isn't prince charming. And maybe he is Mr. nice-guy at this stage. But if you know then what you later discover things would be much easier.
I first spotted possessive-man-syndrome whilst working for a few years in a regular job in an English city. At the end of day I would walk home to my apartment and was always impressed as to how many boyfriends sat patiently in their cars waiting to pick up their girlfriends and wives from work. I dare say in retrospect a few were genuine but it took me some months of seeing the same faces before I cottoned on to the fact that these guys were not there for the best of reasons. The cat was let out of the bag by a woman friend who said that she could never go for a drink after work because her boyfriend didn't like it and always insisted he picked her up from work at 5pm on the dot. If she needed to go anywhere she had to let him know in advance.
This shocking revelation may be will known to many women readers but for a guy I hadn't realized at that time quite how large the problem was. The key issue it appears is a man's low self-esteem. Usually the possessive and jealous guy believes his lady will be stolen away from him. He doesn't trust her or her words of love and ignores the fact that she stays with him. He feels she is plotting to escape at any turn, looking for a way out and doesn't really love him at all. Why? Simply because he feels he doesn't deserve her and deep down believes she could do far better than him.
This causes the possessive man a dilemma. If she would really like to run away then how can I make her stay. Easy, what I will do is make her dependent on me, make her need me and want me and have no need to be anywhere but with me. Even if I go out every night with my male buddies. The man doesn't love himself so he doesn't understand why she loves him either. But he needs to feel she does, so he needs to have demonstrations as to how far she will go for him. He will promote the positive attitude of staying at home together and group social activities will be extinguished. At home you are where he can see you.
As a relationship develops the possessive man will find ways of ensuring you are there for him. He will create fictitious scenarios where he needs your help and assistance which affect your social routine. Rather than meeting friends you will be assisting him. Of course at first this is all part of romantic relationship building. After all you want to spend as much time as possible with the man you love. Bit by bit he will divorce you for your everyday friends and activities, even spending time illustrating how your friends are not really your true friends. He is isolating you for his own needs.
Once he has done that he will also then criticize you and make you feel bad about yourself to ensure that you too have low self esteem. If you don't feel good about yourself then how will anyone else ever want you. He will tell you how lucky you are to have him and he will always love you for who you are. And eventually he will build up that degree of dependence (and fear) so much that you will truly believe that what he says is true. Your own identity becomes a thing of the past and your friends will make many worried comments to you that you will ignore or make excuses for.
At this stage you are now where he wants you, isolated and dominated. He feels better about himself because you depend on him, but he will never trust you, because he will always believe that there is a conspiracy that you will escape. That you don't really love him after all. He needs constant demonstration and proof that you do. Your friends and his will not know any of this though they may suspect. He will still be the great social guy in groups. Bit it can get to the point where you dread going out socially in case you get a hard time when you get home. This my friends, is not what your life is all about. This isn't why we date and have relationships. Yes we all want to feel desired, wanted and loved in our lover's eyes. But not like this.
A little jealousy, ironically can go along way. Women (and men) like being loved and wanted and a secure arm round the waist drawing you in can be great fun. Small amounts of jealousy (very small in a playful way) can be attractive and sexy. But its knowing when things have gone too far that matters. Many women have admitted to me that a man who has not a single jealous bone in his body cannot really love her. A man needs to show he cares by drawing her in occasionally. Both parties feel good from this. But it has to be kept under control.
There are many reasons why men are becoming more possessive in today's society and we all have our own theories. It is possible that with the rise of women in the workplace and in determining their own independence financially and socially, that men feel increasingly threatened. Their traditional role as husband and father, the dominant voice in the household, is increasingly archaic and has little place in current society. Instead they are desperately attempting to reposition themselves in a relationship and find out what their new role really is. But old habits die hard and men still try and cling on to the ways in which they were brought up. It will take time for men to learn that they are not always the primary focus in a relationship and must give as much attention to the needs of their partner, as they give to him. And to be honest I do not expect miracles overnight.
Men who don't feel good about their own domestic roles, their lack of masculinity, their frustrations with their own poor career, their lack of financial success, their dominant parental influences and their general lack of well-being can all assist in the progression of possessive tendencies. To own someone is not to have them. To be loved is an open invitation, not something to be captured and kept imprisoned.
A happy, confident, self-assured man doesn't have issues about possession and jealousy. No although many aspects of a relationship may be shared, he also treasures his girlfriend's independence and her assured separate set of values, as she does in him. Relationships are about sharing but also about retaining freedom of self expression and personal identity. Realtionships are also about innate trust.
There was an interesting article recently in a national newspaper about how dominant career women with great success and financial wealth often still had very dominant partners at home. Let us not confuse manliness and masculinity with possessiveness. Jealousy and possessiveness is about stripping away confidence, esteem and dignity. It is about subjugating and decrying the needs of the injured party for the wishes of the stronger force. That has no place in our modern world.
I am stopping short of discussing violent partners because we move into the realm of specialist and professional problems and therefore specialist help. If you have a violent partner I do not believe you will change him/her by your own efforts, and the way forward is through professional counseling for them only. My own recommendation would be to get out of there away from these people with very serious emotional problems as fast as possible before they destroy you too. I have know a number of girls whose partners have been violent and never was there a happy outcome in the relationship. Some men sense a weakness, a submissiveness in a woman and will work away on it, subjugating them until they become defenseless. More than once I have heard how the psychological battering was far worse than fists. But in any case, there is massive support network to help you move on to a better life if you are able to make the necessary first steps.
Jealous and possessive men are sad and pathetic creatures who are all too common today. As a woman you do not need ever to put up with them and neither do they really deserve you. The huge irony involved is that had the guy been relaxed and self-assured he would probably have never lost you in the first place, but his low self-esteem meant that he forced to happen what he most dreaded. You leaving him. If you are reading this and have yet to leave, then you will need your friends and family to assist as you are dealing with a person with serious psychological issues. He will try and keep you and will use any psychological measure he can to make you need him and come back. He will work on the weak spots he has already created in you.
But do try and take heart. Many women have been in the same situation and moved on. Even if it is very hard. As women become increasingly confident in their own lives, so some men fall away into lesser self-esteem. There are lots of really nice guys out there to date and love and the one you have is not the one who will make you happy, whatever he says. It can take a long time to heal some of the trauma you have been put through, but the fact is, it is your life and your world and if you want to do whatever you like to make yourself happy, that is 100% your prerogative to do so. We don't need jealous and possessive men in this world and the sooner they sort themselves out without your help, the better.
Danger Signals:
• Dismay and suggestions as to how you should dress
• Overly concerned about where you are going when socializing
• Insistence on escorting you to mundane places
• Interference with your social plans
• Excessive phone calls to know your whereabouts
• Overly intense nature to anything
• Inability to communicate and discuss
• Putting you down and anything that makes you feel inferior
• Lack of outlook and poor self-esteem or lack of confidence
• Dominant overtones in domestic arrangements
• Aggressive temper and unreasonable attitude to minor details

The Plan...

A is back from office, B is already in the room, and C has gone home and ‘Me’ is expected in 10 mins..The time is 6 pm

A : Hi girls, I’m back.

B : Hey Want some Marie Biscuits? I came back at 12:00 and I was so hungry, I slept for some time and went and bought this…( Excess Information, just gimme the Biscuits lady)

A : Oh wow, I had nice lunch today. I had parotha, dessert, custard. I am so full. My tummy hurts.So I think I will take more time in the Loo tomroow morning. (Useless Shitty Info, Abstinence from the Hostel Loo for 24 hrs.)

C : Hi Girlies , Am back..!!

A / B – Chorus – Hey Hi, You Look Fresh !

C – I had Fresh Strawberries and Cream on the Way.!! My Boss happy with my Work.So he gave a treat.

Me – Hello Girlies ! Whata am I walking into? A Mahila Sangathan..LOL !

A / B / C – Hellooo..! We have Cookies. Come Let’s plan for the night.

Me : Okie .Vodka / Beer or Wine? Comedy / Romance / Hindi or English? Chuck the Bfs and the Phone, Lets have an all-nite-gals party.

A / B / C – Wow That is so Practical of You.Lets Buy Vodka, Chicken Do Pyaaza, Sprite and Lays Chips.Throw the Bfs Away for a night man, watch a Mushy Movie...Oye What is in that bag?

Me : A Bra from the GI sale / Some Panties / A Skirt and a Corset..

* All 4 Busy Looking at all this Stuff..Even the panties..A puts My 32-B Bra on her Non Existent Boobs and says – Wow this fits so well !! –

Me : Yeah Rite..U never use it and what use is this Fooling Around? *

Me : Now Gals Who wants to Come to the CD Shop? And Food World for the Stuff?

A – Hey Do u Really want to Drink tonight? I am very Tired.

B – Oh no, My Bf is coming to picke me up. He wants some food Supplies, I got to Buy it for him.

V – Amma has made Kababs today. Lets us eat her food tonite.

Me – Okie, I got this New Book. Just some Coffee to Spend the Night Reading.

10:00 Pm - A : When are you switching off the Lights/
10: 15 Pm - B : When are you switching off the Lights?
10: 30 Pm - C : When are you switching off the Lights?
10: 31 - Me : I AM Switching off the Lights NOW Darlings..GoodNite..!

A Snore / A Grunt / A Miff for an Answer