Saturday, April 02, 2011

Maalum Hain Mere Daddy Kaun Hain???

There are some people you meet in Life, u r with them for only a few months, but u bond over coffee, cigarettes, beer, spas, shopping (depending on ur preferences) n u become the bestest of friends.
I met Reetu in my previous PG. The minute we saw each other, it was 'Girlie-Friendly-Love' at first sight. We instantly hit it off....I know this sound lesbianistic (no don't check ur little Oxford dictionary, this word is my own clever little invention). But it is not. We discovered in after one minute of conversation that all the habits we had was common. We were both voracious readers, bindass, funny, non-plussed about the silly things we did. Neena was initially the mutual friend we had but soon poor Neenu was pushed to the sides as both of us tomboys went n had our misadventures around Namma Bengalooru.
We were a pretty riotous pair. We would lay a mat on the balcony that overlooked the main road below. And have our very own Ladies-Nights-Out. We rented horror movie DVDs from our nukkad-ka-shop (we were famous for asking for only horror movies, so much that the shop-owner soon named us 'Laurel and Hardy Bhootnis'), bought the snacks, the 'booze', the blankets, the cushions, (n soon the other girls) n soon had our own little gossip-session going on. We would dangle our legs out over the railings, n try to scare the people walking by. At 12 in the night, if u were walking along home, n u heard a whistle or a very real-sounding owl-hoot, u could bet ur ass, that it was Shilpa n Reetu.
Well cutting all that, I will come back to what I originally wanted to write in this post.
Reetu n Neena changed the place, n I followed them soon after. One day, feeling bored of staying up late nights watching TV or reading Cosmos,  on evening at around 8:00ish, we trooped out to Vinita's house for a pajama-party.
My car was probably at the service shop, coz I remember us dragging our feet and getting pissed that we had to look for an auto which pretty much meant a challenge as Bangalore is well known for its boorish autowallahs.
Neena was munching an apple, n we saw two guys coming from the opposite direction. They did look like 'potential strong cases' of eve-teasers, n I was immediately geared up. Soon I heard one of them commenting on us. I forget what he said exactly, but before my brain rationalized the options, I blurted out 'Saala, ******'....N immediately afterwards, my hands flew off to my mouth, horrified. We three stared at each other. Atleast Reetu was used to the language i used when I was utterly pissed off, but not Neena, the poor little lamb. We pretended the words did not come from any of us, n hurried to the main road to find an auto.
Pretty soon, we heard footsteps behind us.
'Ruk re, Oye, kaha jaa rahi hain?'.. in typical Bihari accent.
It had to be the boys. They had heard me. Though we turned our faces, they came face to face with us. One was really aggressive. He must have seen my reaction (remember I covered my mouth in shock?) and guessed rightly that it had to be me.
'Kya re, kya boli? Kisko boli?'
By this time we had got an auto n we sat in. Neena in the middle, I to the farthest side, Reetu near the entrance. the auto-wallah tried to start his vehicle. But the guy was hopping mad. 'What do'u think of urself? Do'u know I work for the police?'
By this time I lost my cool. My Hyde personality emerged. I shook my fists at him and screamed at him
'Kya tu kutte ki tarah comments paas kare to kuch nahi? But ek ladki jawab de, to tujhe khujli ho rahi hain? Pata hain mere Daddy kaun hain/ Jaanta hain woh kaun hain? I shrieked.
I was almost ready to jump out of the auto n throttle him.
'Kaun hain tere pitaji (note his polite expression)? Mein bhi to jaanu? Police mein kaam karta hun main.'
then turning to the auto wallah, he continued
'Oye, tune start auto kiya to terepe case kar dunga. Dekh mera badge. Main police mein hun.'
In spite oof Reetu trying to calm me down, I half stood n continued ranting'
'Tu jaanta nahi mere Daddy kaun hain. Police mein toilet clean karta hoga to bhi badge milega. Bas mein ek phone karoongi to tera police ka badge abhi hospital ka badge ban jaayega. Jaanta hain mere Daddy kaun hain?
'Bata kaun hain tere pitaji (again note the polite expression)'
All the time that he is asking me what my father's name is. The auto wallah guesses, from my talks, that my father is probably some Big Bangalorean Political hotshot. He gathered some confidence n said to the guy,
'Jaane do na saab. Ladkiyan hain. Kaiko ladte ho?'
Reetu stamps my foot, n implores him,
'Bhaiya, please jaane do. Hum ladkiyon ka muh to chalta rehta hain. Hamara dimag ghutno mein hain. Please jaane do.'
Hearing Bhaiya, he calms down. 'Nahi behen (by this time, I can almost hear a movie star of yester-year wailing 'behna re, tu to chali gai, par yeh meri kalaai pe raakhi ab kaun baandhega' type song accompanied by a broken tala and harmonium-peti (no, there is no song like that, the credit for the lyrics goes to clever little me)....Nahi behen, he starts again, mereko thes pohonchi. Mein aaplogon ki 'rishpect' karta hun. magar mujhe chot lagi jap inhone (note again n again the polite language) mujhe gaali di'.
Turning to the autowalah, he says 'Aap start karloji auto', turns away and disappears.
We chug alaong. The autowala is , for a change, a nice man (or maybe he is scared that my Daddy is really someone of great importance)..
'Kya hua tha, Madam? Woh kyun aise chilla raha tha?'
I launch into my tirade against eve-teasing, n he keeps nodding vigorously, agreeing with whatever I have said.
At this point, I turn to look at Reetu, who is staring at Neena. I let my eyes follow her gaze n discover that Neena's apple is still stuck to her teeth n she is clutching both of our hands, and her knuckles are white. She was terrified the whole time, we were battling it out!!!!
Reetu asks me
'Everything is allright but yeh to bataa tere Daddy hain kaun?'

Needless to say, we laugh all the way to Vinita's house......

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