Wednesday, July 11, 2018

make believe

you could have been, you would have been,
but in the end you didn't
she hopes you carry a piece of her with you
she hopes you will remember her in times
when you have no one else to think of
how she trembled in your arms and
you gathered her up into a bundle until she was calmed
how she blushed hot inside every time you looked into her eyes
how she looked away for fear the world would hear her thudding heart when you were near
how she moved away quick for fear she would be unable to control herself from flinging into your arms everytime you passed her
but most of all she hopes you will remember how she smiled when you told her things
that you told a hundred others before her, and will tell to a hundred others after her,
how she smiled when she believed all that you told her
give her this, this hope,
this little cheap trinket of hope
that she will be a part of you
even if she isnt
it took her ages to find all the pieces of her heart that broke when you
like all those before you,
stomped on it with iron boots
it took her painstaking hours to fill it's cracks with cheap glue that would melt the moment someone like you came in, blazing like the sun and offering burning passion
so when she looks back at you and smiles
know that it takes her much effort to not let those tears brimming in her eyes, fall
at the sight of you
give her this,
this little trinket of hope.

seduce me like this

talk to me about nothing
talk to me about everything
tell me things
and I will savor them
tell me what you think of when you can't sleep at nights
tell me why you twiddle your thumb when you can't decide what to watch on TV
tell me about the things that make you happy
and the things that make you scream
let us crawl into each others' minds and get lost
talk to me over hazy rings of smoke
over the steam rising up from cheap hot tea sold in dirty steel tumblers on roadside kiosks
talk to me of the earthworms you squished as a child
talk to me over overflowing beer mugs and I will swing my old monk rum straight bottoms up
talk to me until my ears fall off
and my brain is full of you
and my mouth is full of your words
talk to me till I fall in love with you

not enough

i wrote for you
but my words were not enough
i sang for you
but my songs were not sweet enough
i tried to make you laugh
but my wit was not humorous enough
i have you all the attention in the world
but it was not enough
i then cried for you
but my tears were not enough
all I wanted were your talks
but for you even that was too much to give
in the end i found you to be too little
and you found me to be too much
so here we are
me, happier
you, more miserable
and i now find that satisfyingly enough





Monday, July 09, 2018

claim my bones

put your mouth to my ear
tell me things about you
seep into my bones
with your liquid thoughts
and let them freeze
near my cold heart
and when my heart begins to thaw
with the warmth of your embrace
i will put them this way and that,
my bones and your words
my bones and your thoughts,
crack some, join some, remove some
until you can roost in them 

Let me be

Let me be
If you find me bursting out into tears
because a puppy yelped in the middle of the night, let me be
If you see me buy a plate of chaat
from a gross looking street-side vendor
just because I want to, let me be
If you see me thinking I am worthless and
sinking into bed all day
and remaining there, let me be
If you witness me breaking into a dance
because I heard my fav song of the moment
from a passing taxi, let me be
If you see me jumping in excitement
because the courier guy is
bringing a new pair of socks for me, let me be
If you see me hugging the beggar woman on the street
because she has an infant tied around her swollen belly, let me be
If you heard me say a dying street dog deserves dignity
and see me sitting up all night
with its head cradled in my lap, let me be
If you heard me refusing to enter a temple
to perform ablutions where your god resides while outside
poor children eat mud, let me be
If you see me crying
because I think crying solves all problems, let me be
If you see me spending five thousand bucks on old books
instead of a Zara dress, let me be
If you hear me snub well heeled people
but make best friends with the maids and housekeeping staff, let me be
If you see me breaking twenty eggs
because I still can't figure out how to
get the stupid egg white for my face mask, let me be.
If you feel I am neither here nor there
neither in your world nor in mine
neither as yours nor as mine
let me be.

Wednesday, July 04, 2018

seek

remember those three days
you went blind
crying your heart out
thinking that
it was the end of the world
him leaving you
the thought of him not coming back ever
the three nights that you were stuck to your tear-stained pillow and holding in your sobs
the big wrecking ones that
made your stomach hurt
the breathlessness that
made you gasp and curl up
the swollen face
the sullen eyes
but look at you now
three weeks later
beautiful and laughing and dancing like no one is watching you
bursting into songs
look at what happens to you
when you get over it,
move on and
leave it behind like a bitter piece of cucumber you bit into,
in a salad;
and now you are in love again
thinking of doing the same things you did with the last one
the things that led you to those three broken days
but guess what, you will overcome them too
in fact you will overcome another three thousand broken days and nights
and another three million heartbreaks
and another three trillion men who will treat you like shit
but you will never give up believing in love
even though society's idea of love is so very different from what is in your mind
but you will seek and seek and find it one day
when you finally realise that
no one can give you the love you want
except yourself
and no can love you in the way you want to be loved
except you
so until you realise that you are your own lover and your own true love
go on
and seek love
in everyone
and everything

What use is all this?

Who cares about your diamonds
or your expensive cars
Show me your bookshelf
and tell me which book you read non-stop all night
Who cares if you travelled to a new place in first class,
what is the point if you went there and ate what you eat at home
Tell me did you mingle with the localites and learn about their culture
What is the point if you didn't pick up any words from their language or didn't try to learn the history of their existence
Who cares whether your kanjeevaram saree has pure gold threads in it
when your maid uses dirty rags during her period to save money
Who cares about the interiors of your house when you don't let your children draw on the walls and they are left alone all day in your pursuit of more wealth.

Where will you take all this to when you die?

Monday, July 02, 2018

death of a marriage

under the so called visual symbolism of a wife
under the plastered smile
under the fearful coyness
under the embroidered clothes
under the wrathful eyes of a husband
behind the forced coupling at nights
behind the emotional neglect
are hidden the scars of a marriage.
how can you blame her for choosing death
when you refused to let her live?

Friday, June 29, 2018

words

I gave you my words
but they were left unread, unacknowledged
were I born centuries ago
I would have dedicated sonnets and poems to you
I gave you my heart which
after you finished breaking it,
lies in pieces at my feet
but it is glue-able, super-glue-able
and I will glue it and reglue it every time I hand it to random people for the rest of my life
but what do I do with these words?
I have written them and put them out for the world to see
and now everyone knows I am in love with you,
no, wait,
and now everyone knows I was in love with you
for even if I were to erase them and throw them into the air,
they would still smell of the remnants of our love
that never was
I sit here near the shredder with all the letters I wrote to you
on those sleepless nights and restless afternoons and aching mornings
not long ago

but is there a shredder for memories
that I could use to rid my mind of you, of us?

Thursday, June 28, 2018

some happiness pls

yesterday the vegetable vendor's five year old daughter
painted my nails yellow,
with some cheap local nail polish.
at first i wanted to laugh saying it looks like, to borrow my son's words, potty
then i looked at her scrunched up little face and pouting mouth and how involved she was in it
'your hands are so pretty' she said
while the truth is they are ugly
i have old women's hands I think,
no i don't have old women's hands,
but i think i do,
it comes from my mother's dad's side of the family
and i always ask her peevishly 'why didn't you give me the milk-cream and hazel eyes and light brown hair genes from my father's side'
instead of mountain feet and bony hands
as if the sperm would have a lengthy discussion with the egg
and finalise on what all genes to put in
and sign papers after
and applaud at the successful design.
but the little girl thinks my hands are pretty and i believed her all evening
until the sun came out today and I saw them in the light next to my friend's hands.
'i like you', the vegetable vendor's daughter says, 'you are very kind and the clothes you gave my brother, they are nice, he refuses to take them off'
'i will buy a frock for you, on your birthday' I offer
'what will I do with a frock', she asks, eyes round and sad
'what if you buy me one eclairs toffee everyday for the rest of my life?'
'but why?, don't you want to twirl in a new frock and look pretty and be happy?' i ask, amused at her naivety and innocent bartering of a pricey frock for cheap toffees
'no, you see if you give me a frock i will be happy for only one day, and my happiness will run out the next day, but if you give me a toffee everyday,  i will be happy everyday, only a little  happy, but a little happy everyday'

i wonder who teaches children about sadness and happiness,
and injects so much sense into them
that they have to choose between
two measures of happiness - 'so-much-happiness,
and
'a-little-happiness'

i wonder who told her that happiness is doled out in quota, and that it runs out.

Come home.

for a long time
i waited
assuring myself
you would come home
that no matter where you went
and for how long
you would come home
to me.
so I waited while everyone said
what is gone is gone
and I told them instead
to shush and keep quiet.
so I kept the food warm
and the fire lit
and I patted down the feathers of our sparse bed
every night.
and I went and stood at our favourite spot
down there under the trees
where we counted the stars and fell asleep
inside each others' bodies.
what is gone is gone, they said
but I shushed them, hush,
so I waited
while you were gone.
i remember how you caressed my chin and said my body was your home and how could you ever not want to come home?
so here I am,
your home,
now ruined and empty.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Come back

how do people leave people behind
without any kind of hesitation
it is like one day they just turn their faces away
and walk away
and the sand has swallowed their footprints so that
you can not run behind them to stop them
sometimes I wonder why
I find it so difficult to do this,
this walking away without looking back
without giving a thought about
what the person you left back there is going through
maybe it's a he and he is crying
maybe it's a she and she is slashing her wrists
so I linger and wait for the closure that never comes
for the other person to break the chains
that were never linked at all except in my mind
I wonder whether you will stay if I cling onto you tighter
or let loose more tears
or take out my heart
and show you how it is filled with only your thoughts
and nothing else
how I have shown you my naked vulnerable self
and loved you with everything I have
and forgiven you every time you let me down
so when you turn back on me
and leave me here stranded
I fail to understand whether it is
because I am too much for you
or not enough

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Glue me with words

'I am drinking whiskey and I miss you'
sometimes you say the randomest of things
and even though I know you dont actually mean them
and they are just perfunctory words,
they do make me happy
even if I am forgotten, an old flame, a long lost lover
sometimes I wonder if you think of me the way I do
thinking of how you would hold, no,
gather me up in your arms
as if I was something falling apart
or something broken
i did fall apart but didn't know until later,
after you were done breaking me
even though I told you I was fragile
and I came with a 'handle with care' sticker
but sometimes you are the china in a china shop and a bull comes stampeding into you
and you are all damaged
then you peel away the fragile sticker to reveal 'broken twice and reglued' sticker
underneath counting the cracks in your broken china heart
'I am missing you and I love you'
sometimes you say the randomest words
years after you have broken me
years after I have glued my pieces back
and inspite of some fragments missing I function whole
but then you come again like a bull
and break more parts of me
and though they are just perfunctory words
and you don't mean them anymore,
they still make me happy for some reason.