Friday, June 15, 2018

not content


it is not enough

it is not
this meeting, so short,
just enough to prepare a drink for you,
sip it under watchful eyes
it is not enough
this talk of things mundane
next to ears tuned in to our conversations
it is not enough
the brushing of our hands as we pass the snacks bowls
the words forming in our mouths but not spoken
the hearts beating wildly but not acknowledged 
it is not enough
it is not
this longing and this wanting

Thursday, June 14, 2018

if

if i could come to you
with eyes wide open
soaring on a pair of wings
if i could come to you
sweeping my fears aside
the hesitation in my mind
if could come to you
ignoring the stumbling of my words as I make small talk
the trembling in my knees as our fingers brush
if i could come to you
with my heart beating wild
and my lungs wanting the same air that you breathe

but i have you seen burn others
and so I shall love you from afar

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Depend on yourself.

people say they feel lonely
and they feel all alone
i don't understand how someone can feel lonely when they have themselves, own

all your life you have people coming and going
some leave their boots by the door
in case they come back
some, you hear from no more,
why the fuck would you feel lonely when you have yourself, own

when you cry, it's YOU that cried with you
when you laugh, it's YOU that feels happy with you
YOU are your own friend
YOU are your own lover
YOUR body is yours
YOUR mind is yours
YOUR heart, well what of it that inspite of being stomped on by others, it beats on
only for you

you may feel sad
you may feel sorrow
but how the fuck can you say you are lonely or bored
for you can feel like that only when you depend on them,
on people, on things, on places
but when you have YOU holding onto you,
nothing and noone else matters.

OK this is more of a fucking rant, because it disgusts me when people say they are lonely and bored. Go somewhere, travel, walk outside, observe the ants carrying food to their house, grab a book, learn a hobby, create something, make a drink, shove chips into your mouth, play with an animal, tear up an old t shirt, put sprinkles in your coffee, make an omelette and burn it, or just crawl onto your balcony and think of what you would do if you were the president. But seriously this whole blaming the smartphone, gadgets, technology for feeling lonely and bored is pathetic....Ummm...rant over.

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

All that I have, I give to you

it all starts in the same way
you have beautiful eyes
your smile makes me melt
i love your words, write to me, babygirl write for me.
it leads to a kiss
some handholding
a compliment
a promise of everlasting love
red velvety carpets of flattery
until you give in
bowled over
head over heels in love with them
then you spend nights and hours and minutes with them
feeling like nothing in the world could go wrong if you were with them
then an exchange of words
and more exchanges of words
until you start feeling that disconnect
the realisation that something is lacking
that something is amiss
it is now not the same as before
the compliments stop
the flattery stops
all the I miss you every minute stops
then it is you begging them to stay
then it is you begging them to call
somewhere along the way instead of them chasing you
it becomes you running after them
then the nights that you wonder what went wrong
and why they act this way
If they only knew the rivers of tears that you let loose
and the pieces of your heart that you handed out
to all and sundry
hoping someone will stay
for a while
for a little while longer
to know what makes you, you
and uncover what goes on in your mind
and quell the fears that you have
the love letters you wrote to all and sundry
Oh, but they made paper planes out of them
and ran laughing in the wind
while you stood there
let down
wondering why they won't stay
"Silly girl, you gave them your all, and that is why they walked all over you, because you gave them your all"
but how do you love them, if you don't give them your all, all of you?
because isn't that what they teach you about love?
isn't that how you are supposed to love?
you show them all, you give them all of you
your darkness and your light,
your sanity and your insanity
isn't that how you love?
so why do they stop loving you
after they have got your all?


Monday, June 11, 2018

To you.

there are days
when I want to
walk away from everyone and everything
days when my bipolarity
plays tug of war
with the happy and the sad
and on those days
when I am exhausted
and want to walk away
don't stop me
let me go
after all the things I have done
or not done
all the people I have talked to
or hidden from
all the places I have seen
or avoided visiting
i will come back to you 
to you
always

we silenced them

How did we go from adults
who swore to protect our children
to being the monsters we warned them about
how did we go about trapping their little hearts in our sinful cages
and amputating their limbs one by one
while they flapped helpless
they trusted us
and we took that trust from their eyes
blinded them with our fear
and threw them
like rag dolls
we brought them into our adult world
and did things to them that we call adult
we took their innocence
and twisted it with our bare evil hands
and then stuffed it down their throats with the words 'dont tell anyone'
eleven month old little girls
a three year old boy
a sixteen year old boy
a twelve year old girl-
we abused them all
we broke them
hid them and swept them under our carpets
then when they tried to seek help
we laughed at them
said they were imagining thinvs
and pinned down their little half broken wings
and we banished them behind the heavy curtains
and stuffed their screaming silence behind this facade we call a world
how do I know this
you adults ask
because when I was a little girl of four
you adults did it to me too

HOW DO WE NOT FEEL OUR BLOOD BOIL AT WHAT ABUSED CHILDREN GO THROUGH?

Saturday, June 09, 2018

Phone conversations

seven minutes and forty four seconds
was how long we spoke yesterday
why can't you say I love you, you ask
but don't you know I cannot
I find it easier to write
because when my mouth opens to form those words
they don't come out
and instead
I hear all the I love you's
that were spoken to me before
and not meant
If you don't mean something
if you don't feel something
how can they come out of your heart and travel all the way up and out of your mouth into your lover's ears
but with me they don't come out because they are too heavy to escape the wild beating frantic-ness of my heart
and I cannot mouth the words that roll around on my tongue
because now I no longer know whether I mean them or not
what do we talk about
since twenty questions get me two answers
and then I do not want to feel like I am breaching your privacy
even though you call me your life and say I am your weakness
but if you don't tell me details I can never love you
for I need to know everything about you and not just bits and pieces
so tell me everything you do and think of and speak and I will fall in love with you everytime we have a conversation
even if it is seven minutes forty four seconds long
and then perhaps I will say I love you
because then the words would escape me and fly into you

Friday, June 08, 2018

Teach us to be proud of us

Sorry to offend but if only women had the confidence that men have,
some of us would also be hairy, paunchy, smelly and bald at all amusement parks
but we cover up,
we look for that one hair left behind,
we look for that one strand of grey hair
that one imperfection that makes us sick
the wrong shade of lipstick
winged eyeliner gone wrong
body odour a little too strong
sweat stains in all places wrong
eyebrows not done
hair tied in a bun
the skin darkened by the sun
omg, did you Photoshop your selfie and hair
you look sooo fair
omg, your skin is dark
here take this fairness cream - they bark.

We look for excuses to criticise our flaws
to joke about them with friends
then hide behind iron curtains and nitpick each one
we are scared of the Hai-Hais and Hawwws
from other women
who
like you
like me
have their own flaws
If only we taught our daughters to celebrate their bodies
and taught our daughters-in-law to find beauty in their bodies
we would also be as cool as men

Thursday, June 07, 2018

Conversations with the mirror

the mirror knows
how you stood in front of it everyday
all those years ago
to look for budding breasts
but instead saw red pimples on your face
how you wanted to pop them but
somehow delighted in the red spots
they made on your cheeks
so when the boys whistled at you
they wouldn't know it made you blush
the mirror knows how
all those years ago
when you were naive and innocent
and thought
beauty was all about
your body and face
you wasted hours measuring yourself
on a scale of one to ten
no one told you you were perfect the way you were
skinny, petite, light and airy
then they would offer you food
'shall I buy you food?'
'do you even eat?'
'how can your stomach be so flat?' it became a game for them
everytime you posted a picture
or went shopping
'when you get pregnant no one will know coz you will be still skinny'
and you came back to the mirror and wondered what was wrong with you
and then
you came out into the world and realised that skinny shaming is as much painful as fat shaming
and you were hot and sexy and beautiful and desirable and gorgeous and wanted,
except that the latter always get to be bullies and also get fans
'Real women have curves'
'We need meat on those bones'
Lines like these became the slogan
for women who were obese because of their lifestyle choices
The ones who had weight issues because of illnesses, sympathised with you, sent you notes
You are beautiful, they said
So you see, now when I take a picture of myself,
after all these years of listening to this,
or take a selfie when I feel like it,
and see my flat stomach or my thigh gap or my collar bones,
I am absolutely satisfied with how I look.
I hope you do too, whether skinny or not.

Monday, June 04, 2018

color me

you are the blue of my sky
and the green of the grass beneath my feet
you are the red of the gentle bruises you leave on my thighs after we have made love
you are the pink of my eyes after I have spent whole nights crying for you
you are the yellow of the sunflower field we first kissed in
and the black of my eyes that long to look at you
you are the orange of the sunsets and sunrises that I lost count of while thinking of you
you are the brown of my skin that craves for your touch
you are all the colors of my world

and yet you see only my drab greys

Thursday, May 31, 2018

lie to me

tell me it hurts you the same
tell me that when you try to breathe
you too are left gasping for air
and that you too feel
that there is a hole in the place where your heart used to be
tell me that i will not be
just some passing thought
that you will remember me for a long long time
tell me that you love me
even if it is a lie
for lies are all i have to remember you by

brittle bones

I thought my bones would break
when you were done filling them
with the marrow
of your love
I thought they would
fall down in pieces until there were
no bones left
but how amazing to know that
once I started to think of them as
cages where my
heart was captured
and my feelings trapped
in what I called my love for you
it was easy
to break them
on my own
you see
now I am no more
under your spell

i am woman

I am your mother
and your sister
I am your daughter
and your girlfriend
I am your wife
and the mother of your child
I am the goddess you worship
I am woman
so think of all of them
when you think of
ruining my body